Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
Thank you.
If you overate too much tonight...
I got a great song the paesans would understand...
"Agita."
Una two!
Agita
My gumba in the banzone
When I eat, he gets a treat
Like a canzone
He enjoys every meal
Every bite that I steal
Agita
My gumba in the banzone
Za da da da da boom cha boom cha
Za da da dum cha boom cha boom
Some people like their pizza, some people like-a suffrite
And others like hot pepper on everything they eat
You'll hunger with a vuole to taste that baccala
Then all at once you think, "Will I answer to gumba?"
Ba ba ba ba bum cha cha dum
My lovely, lovely woman, I hate to see her cry
But when I start to mangia, I get the evil eye
My vuole's getting stronger
Ah, the hell with my gumba
Then I get it from my woman, che da botts a na sciatta
Agita
My gumba in the banzone
When I eat, he gets a treat
Like a canzone
He enjoys every meal
Every bite that I steal
Agita
My gumba in the banzone
Za da da dum cha boom cha boom
You have to do Miami jokes.
In Florida, you do Miami jokes.
In Atlantic City you do...
Morty, I tried Miami jokes. I don't know what works anymore.
Why? What happened?
You know I got that big Miami joke that I do...
about the hotels being expensive...
how much it costs to stay...
like $150 a day for a sleeping room.
I asked the clerk what's cheaper?
He said, "I got a room for $10...
but you gotta make your own bed."
I said, "I'll take it..."
so he gave me a hammer and a board and some nails.
That's a good joke. It works.
It's been working for years. Last night it died.
Morty, that audience sat there like they were an oil painting.
I don't know why. It always works when I do it.
- You do that joke? - Sure. All the time.
Maybe that's where I got it from.
When I broke into this business, in New York...
I could play at least twelve to twenty weeks a year...
without leaving the city.
There was the Latin Quarter...
China Doll, Elegante, Queen's Terrace.
Played the Boulevard.
Well, what about Jersey?
The Stagecoach.
Riviera, Bill Miller's.
Look how far you have to go.
You went to Washington last week.
I went to Baltimore. You need good tires now.
Or a good car.
The first impression I ever did...
I saw a film called "The Seventh Veil."
I didn't even want to become an impressionist.
I was trying to develop an English accent.
Impersonating James Mason...
was the furthest thing from my mind.
I've been doing impressions ever since.
This is like the mask.
Then I did Picasso for a few weeks.
You know the first time I saw you do Mason?
It was backstage at the Sullivan show.
You were brilliant. I was there with Danny Rose.
He was handling an actor and a one-legged tap dancer.
It was his normal handling.
Always the best.
May I say one word?
Might I just interject one concept at this juncture?
You're looking for somebody for Memorial Day weekend.
My blind xylophone player, OK?
The man would be perfect for your room.
Aw, forget it.
Philly, please hear me out.
The man is a beautiful man. He's a fantastic individual.
It's old Jewish people. They're blind!
They ain't gonna pay to see a blind guy.
All right. Forget that. How about Herbie Jayson's birds?
They peck tunes out on a piano.
- It's a beautiful thing! - Never.
What about my one-legged tap dancer?
- Take him for a weekend. - No.
All right, my one-armed juggler?
Not for my hotel.
What about Lou Canova, my Italian singer?
He'd be great!
Lou Canova's a dumb, fat temperamental has-been...
with a drinking problem.
What about Eddie Clark's penguin?
That's the perfect... Eddie Clark and his penguin.
The penguin skates dressed as a rabbi.
It's hilarious. The penguin's got a beard like a...
Give me Sonny Chase.
He's your best act. He's fast, funny.
- I don't handle Sonny anymore. - Since when?
It's a long story, Philly.
I discovered the kid.
He slept on my sofa. I supported him.
I don't wanna badmouth the kid...
but he's a horrible, dishonest, immoral louse.
I say that with all due respect.
I know, Danny.
They get a little success, and then they leave you.
That's my point! Believe me, Philly...
if I had every act that I started that made it...
I'd be a rich man today.
I'd like to help, Danny...
but Weinstein's Majestic Bungalow Colony...
is a classy place, and I need a classy act.
Well, this lady is the Jascha Heifetz...
of this instrument. She is really something.
You gotta see this. It's absolutely incredible.
Never took a lesson. She's self-taught.
Next year, Philly, my hand to God...
she'll be at Carnegie Hall.
You can have her now at the old price...
which is anything you want to give me...
anything at all, Philly.
I remember that woman that played the glasses.
You have never seen acts like this in your life.
This guy worked his tail off for these acts.
If he believed in an act, he went all-out.
Danny, my partner wants me to open up with a dachshund...
but I think I should open up with the swan or giraffe.
The swan is pretty. It fascinates people.
Or, have an animal of this type.
I think your partner's right.
You should open with the dachshund...
then move on and build to the giraffe.
Close with the giraffe. It's got more impact.
Really?
If you take my advice...
you'll become one of the great balloon-folding acts...
of all time. Really, 'cause I don't see you just...
folding balloons in joints. You listen to me.
You're gonna fold balloons at universities and colleges.
You're gonna make snails and elephants on Broadway.
But the thing to remember is before you go out on stage...
Iook in the mirror and say your three S's...
star, smile, strong.
Star, smile, strong.
Danny used to be a performer.
He worked the Catskills.
He did all the old jokes.
And stole from everybody.
He was exactly the kind of comic...
you'd think he'd be.
- Sweetheart, how old are you? - Eighty-one.
Eighty-one years old. Isn't that fantastic?
No, really, she's eighty-one.
It's fantastic!
Unbelievable.
You don't look a day over eighty.
I'm just kidding, darling, really.
I love you, sweetheart. You're really...
What sign are you, darling?
What?
What? She says what? She's great.
I drove up here today. I love driving.
You run across so many interesting people.
I saw a terrible accident. Two taxicabs collided.
Thirty Scotchmen were killed.
The reason he stopped doing his act is...
because he was working the Catskill Mountains.
Nobody in the audience is under eighty years old.
He's on stage doing his act. Two people get heart attacks.
Naturally, he became a personal manager.
Yeah, that's right.
If you can't do a good act...
you become a personal manager, right?
But his acts were devoted to him. They loved him.
Where are you gonna find that kind of devotion?
The funniest Danny Rose story...
is the time when he's handling a hypnotist.
He's got the guy working the Catskill Mountains.
The hypnotist brings up this little old Jewish lady...
and he hypnotized her.
Tessie! What's wrong with my wife?
The body is warm. It's a good sign.
I promise, if your wife never wakes up...
I'll take you to any restaurant of your choice.
I'll go to a restaurant after my wife dies?
Do you like Chinese food?
It was such a sight!
All right, are you finished?
'Scuse me. Hold it. Are you finished?
Because I have the greatest Danny Rose story.
He's always got the greatest.
Hold it. I have the greatest Danny Rose story, all right?
Do you want to do anything?
'Cause this is gonna take some time.
I might have to change my suit.
Coffee!
OK, are you ready? We're gonna be here a while.
This is the greatest Danny Rose story.
This is the one with Lou Canova.
That's the tall guy, the singer?
The kid that had those semi-hit records.
He had a record called "Agita."
He was on the charts for about fifteen minutes.
This is not during those fifteen minutes.
This is twenty-five years later...
and Lou cannot get anybody to handle him.
I mean, the man's in trouble.
The only one who believes in him is Danny Rose.
By now, remember, Lou is a has-been.
He's got a big ego, a temperament...
and a slight drinking problem, and Danny has faith.
I like the looks of you
The lure of you
The sweet of you
The pure of you
The eyes, the nose
The mouth of you
The East, West, North, and the South of you
I'd like to gain
Complete control of you
And handle even the heart and soul of you
So love at least a small percent of me, do
Do, do, I do, I do
'Cause I love all of you
I do, I do, I do, I do
Yeah
Three shows? I thought there was two.
Three on weekdays, four on weekends.
Four? Tell 'em I'll walk.
What do you mean? You can't walk.
Lou, we're not in a position yet to walk.
And I say yet. I used the word yet.
My hair's all screwed up.
Your hair is fine. Your tux is fine.
Did you do the three S's?
Strong, smile, star. I know it.
You tell me every time.
Do "My Funny Valentine"...
after you do great crooners from the past who are deceased.
- Hi, Lou. I wanted to meet you. - I'm discouraged. I'm down.
Darling, later. Really. God bless you, darling.
What are discouraged about? You're magnificent.
I can't pay my alimony.
I'll waive my commissions till we get rolling.
How will you live? You gotta eat.
Don't worry about me so much. I got other acts.
I think about you in the long run.
You're the kinda guy that'll always make...
a beautiful dollar in this business.
You're what I call a perennial.
You get better-Iooking as you get older.
That's true. When I'm out there singing...
I can feel the women mentally undressing me.
It's true.
So Danny is everything to Lou.
He picks his songs, his arrangements.
He picks his shirts, his clothes.
He eats with him. They're inseparable.
Danny's his manager, his friend, his father confessor.
Do me a favor. I wanna go across the street...
and get one white rose.
Why do you want a white rose?
I met this chick.
Don't tell me about it...
because you're gonna get caught in a hotel room.
You'll be paying three alimonies, not two.
This is a classy chick. She's one of these decorators.
With all due respect, Lou, you got a sweet wife.
This is different. I'm in love.
Great.
The usual single white rose for Tina Vitale.
Just the words "I love you, my bambina."
Come here.
Step into my office for a minute.
What do you mean the usual rose? How long has this been going on?
For a while. I can keep a secret.
You're keeping a secret from me?
Look, I knew you'd get miffed about it...
because of my wife and everything...
but Tina's... she's beautiful.
She's like a madonna.
Does she know you're married?
I leveled with her.
So what kind of woman is she if she knows you're married?
I tried to introduce you to her for a long time...
but I knew you wouldn't have it.
Have I tried to teach you, Lou...
that sooner or later you'll have to...
square yourself with the big guy.
Is that true? You'll pay your dues.
You know? You're a married man.
My Aunt Rose. Take my Aunt Rose.
Not a beautiful woman at all.
She looked like something from a live-bait store, but wise.
She had wisdom. She used to say...
"You can't ride two horses with one behind."
You see what I'm saying? That's my point.
Now a little time passes.
Danny's still struggling with the bird acts...
and the blind xylophone player.
Suddenly, the nostalgia craze is starting to build.
Danny finds he can book Lou a little easier.
You may be king
You may possess the world and all of its gold
Oh, but gold won't bring you
Happiness
When you're growing old
Oh, the world
It's still the same...
He's working these nostalgia cruises...
and the audience is eating it up.
Suddenly, an over-the-hill boy singer...
is starting to get some attention.
And the stars they shine high above
And I am honored to announce...
that one of America's great singing legends...
a cherished musical legend...
is making part of his comeback on the Joe Franklin TV show.
I hope my enthusiasm is generating...
because I love this man.
I love Lou Canova.
Thank you, Joe. You're very kind.
I've been on the show three, four times, and it just helps.
You're New York. What can I tell you?
I always had the feeling you were never obsessed...
to be a superstar.
You were never driven to be a superstar.
You let it take its own course.
When I had a record out in the fifties...
it made some noise and everything.
You feel like you want to be a bigger star.
You wanna be this, you wanna be that.
It didn't bother me.
Now I'm doing cruise ships, bigger shows.
I feel great. It's a good time in life to do it.
Now, two days later...
Danny runs into Milton Berle on Broadway.
Milton is doing an NBC special, a nostalgia show...
plus he needs a singing act...
to open for him at Caesar's Palace.
Danny convinces him to come and see Lou...
on a club date at the Waldorf, and if Milton likes Lou...
he gets the TV shot and Caesar's.
I love Milton. He's a beautiful man.
This is two years out of our guts.
Don't be so nervous, Lou.
Take him out Sunday and let him relax.
He's gonna be all wound up.
I'll open with "Volare" or "You Make Me Feel So Young."
How are you, darling? How old are you?
- Twelve. - Are you married?
It's fantastic fettucini.
Don't forget to do "My Funny Valentine"...
with the special lyrics about the moon landing.
We need a press agent.
I'm getting your name in the columns pretty good.
It's not like a steady press agent.
Take him to a movie, or he'll be a wreck.
Great idea for a TV show...
"Mr. Television Looks at the Stars of the Fifties."
Beautiful!
That week, Danny devotes to Lou exclusively.
They go over the running order of his act fifteen times...
what color shirts to wear, his weight...
he wants Lou to lose some pounds.
I don't know who's more nervous... Lou or Danny.
Meanwhile, his other clients are starting to complain...
about their own problems.
I had a crisis! A cat ate my bird.
I canceled the show. Now Ralph won't pay.
What do you mean, you don't wanna pay?
A cat ate his bird.
That comes under the act of God clause.
He gets paid if he does the show.
It was a lead bird. It was Pee Wee.
He pecked "September Song."
Pee Wee's gone... Pee...
Ralph, what are you doing?
Pee Wee has now been eaten by a feline.
Pee Wee gave us many a laugh and tear.
Danny, I don't pay no birds that don't work.
Where were you when I needed a replacement?
I admit, it's my fault. I've been remiss lately.
I've been very busy with another client.
After Sunday, my hand to God, I'll be yours exclusively.
I know how you feel.
Pee Wee was the son he never had, so it's...
I promise, after Sunday night, I'm with you.
Un, deux, one, two...
Tomorrow night I want you to open with...
"You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You."
Then go into "My Bambina."
After that, do great crooners from the past...
who are now deceased.
And then "Agita."
Danny, would you do me a favor tomorrow night?
You name it, you got it.
- I want you to bring Tina. - Who's Tina?
Come on. I'm really crazy about her.
I thought I talked you out of that.
It's no use. I'm like a little kid.
I'm still sending her a white rose every day.
Don't we have enough on our mind?
She's been lucky for me from the first day I met her.
Yeah, but Teresa's gonna be there.
You're gonna get in a lotta trouble.
That's why you gotta bring her. You be the beard.
I don't want to be a beard.
Come on, I'll do a great job if she's there.
Without her, I'm gonna be lost.
Since when? Lou, this is business.
Why are you making such a big deal out of this?
Terry goes home right after the show.
Then I'll take her off your hands.
When there's any people around, she's with you.
You could wind up in alimony jail.
I can't function without her.
Since when? Who is this woman?
Why does she have such a hold on you?
I don't know what it is about her. I love her.
Maybe it's a mother thing.
Your mother's alive. Let me take her.
She gives me confidence. I love her.
I'm scared enough as it is.
Jesus, Lou, is this more serious than I thought?
You don't listen to me when I talk.
I haven't had a night's sleep...
trying to figure out what to do with my life, OK?
So all of a sudden, I got to be the beard?
I got to know she's there, and I gotta know she loves me.
I can only say, as your friend and manager...
you're a sick individual...
but if that's what you want, we'll do it.
Tina? You're Tina? Danny Rose.
Had no trouble getting here at all.
Are you ready? 'Cause I'm double-parked.
Listen, Lou, you can drop dead.
That's what you been saying for months.
I don't buy it.
I'm sick and tired of your stories.
Being married is one thing, but two-timing's something else.
That's a bunch of garbage.
Because I don't buy it.
And you better watch yourself!
I don't care how important it is.
It's too damn bad if you're upset.
The way you treat me, you're lucky I don't...
stick an ice pick in your goddamn chest!
Like hell I'll be there!
You know what you can do! Goddamn phony!
Lou tells me you're an interior decorator.
I don't want to hear Lou's name.
I don't want any crap, God damn it!
Darling, sweetheart...
may I interject one notion at this juncture?
Sweetheart, how old are you?
None of your goddamn business.
Darling, you're upset. What sign are you? Gemini?
Will you shut up?
Can I just say one thing, sweetheart?
My father, may he rest in peace, would say...
"Maturity, a little tolerance, a willingness to give."
It's a big night for Lou. Don't ruin it for him.
I don't wanna talk to that creep!
What happened? I don't understand.
Go to hell!
Sweetheart, may I make one statement...
and I don't mean to be didactic nor facetious...
What are you talking about?
The man's crazy about you. He's nuts for you.
My friends saw him last night with a cheap blonde.
Would Lou fall for a cheap blonde?
The man has class.
I thought so, too.
Sweetheart, I promise you...
he's cheating with you. He's got integrity.
He cheats with one person at a time. That's his style.
My friends told me he was at the track last night...
with his arm around a cheap blonde.
They bother him because he's cute.
They try and grab, so he pushes them away.
Maybe when he pushes, his arm goes around...
Aw, knock it off. You think I buy that?
His wife is blonde. She's not cheap.
A lovely woman, educated. She's a cocktail waitress.
They don't all hustle.
What the hell do you want?
Please, don't upset him.
I'm not coming.
You got that? Drop dead!
Let me speak to him.
Hello, Lou. Yes, it's me. I got here OK.
The directions were good. It was a Gulf station.
She seems to be a little upset.
- Will you get lost! - Where are you going?
I've got other things on my mind besides two-timers.
The man is crazy about you.
He wants you ringside.
Why'd you come to get me so early for?
- I come every place early. - You're hours early.
'Cause tonight's a big night. Milton is coming tonight.
Remember when you were a little girl...
Milton, Tuesday nights?
He'd wear a dress. He's an immortal!
Why does he two-time me?
You got it wrong. Women annoy him.
He sings, and they mentally undress him.
I see an adventure.
Yes. A trip.
A man in a gray suit who owns a dog will come to see you.
That's Tommy.
Tommy?
When is he coming?
Soon.
When you least expect it.
What are you doing here?
At least call Lou.
Will you just get outta here?
The man is nervous. He doesn't seem so...
She wants to get ahead.
I've been waiting.
- My nephew's ill. - He's ill?
- He has a lump on his neck. - A lump on his neck?
Aw, that's terrible. God bless you.
- How old are you, darling? - Seventy-eight.
Seventy-eight? That's wonderful. What are your hobbies?
Fish.
Fish? Tropical fish? That's incredible.
My Uncle Menachem, may he rest in peace...
a wonderful man, raised hamsters.
I personally found them disgusting.
But he adored them...
like you probably feel about your guppies.
These are wonderful people.
They're of your persuasion. Lou's of your persuasion.
Lou's a liar.
He loves you like a mother.
All that crap about his bad marriage and then he lies?
The man loves her like a mother.
He worships the ground she walks on.
Angelina, my lover's unfaithful.
Excuse me, Angelina. Might I interject one concept?
He is unfaithful, yet he cares for you.
See, he cares. God bless you.
Don't go to him.
- I won't. - Wait. Time out.
See friends, resolve all situations...
even if it means traveling long distances.
But be careful.
Where you going?
Lou, we're into a definite type of situation here.
Definitely.
We're into a complete type of situation.
I'm telling you, it's a complete...
definite type of situation.
Why is she so mad at me? What did I do?
Won't she speak to me?
I need a drink.
Don't get the jitters, because you get nervous...
your whole performance goes right into the toilet.
You start drinking... Lou, I'll get her there.
I promise. Just let me work out the logistics.
Now it's the big day.
Things are starting to go wrong.
Lou is boozing a little bit.
He liked Cutty Sark.
Now she splits.
The girl?
And Danny follows.
She drives and she drives way the hell out somewhere.
Danny's on her heels, but you know how he drives.
She winds up, an hour later, God knows where.
She's taken Angelina the fortune teller's advice.
She's winding up business with old friends.
We didn't think you were coming.
I had a change in plans.
The party can begin.
Can we help you, sir?
I'm with Tina.
I'm a friend of Tina's.
God bless you, fellas. Stay where you are.
You're doing an aces job.
I'll leave something nice for you.
Who are you?
I'm here with Tina.
I'm her Uncle Rocco.
Danny Rose, theatrical management.
What are you looking for?
I'm looking for Tina. I lost her.
Relax. You gotta be around her every second?
What do you do, Rocco?
Cement. I own a fleet of cement mixers.
No kidding!
Isn't that a very big organized cri...
Cement, that's fantastic. You always need cement.
That's what's great about cement.
It's not like tape recorders.
This is Tina's new boyfriend.
How long you been going out with my niece?
We don't go out. We're just friends.
Yeah, right. I know Tina.
Vinnie! Danny's in show business.
He's a manager.
Yeah? You know Jackie Whalen?
He's a comedian. He's funny.
I don't think he's funny. I think he's dirty.
Well, today, everything's pornography, am I right?
All the four-letter words. It's all filthy.
I saw this guy in Atlantic City. He cuts a hole in a cigar box.
Then he goes backstage, he opens up his fly...
and sticks his thing in it.
Then he goes outside down to ringside...
to some old lady's table, opens up the box.
I mean, that's humor?
They call me old-fashioned, but if it's old-fashioned...
to like Mr. Danny Kaye...
Mr. Bob Hope, Mr. Milton Berle...
then all right, then I'm old-fashioned.
Tina, can't we discuss it?
We discussed it a hundred times.
Then why did you come here today?
I don't know. I guess I shouldn't have.
- I love you. - It's over.
If I thought that, I'd kill myself.
Johnny, don't talk like that.
You know I'd do it, too.
You're too emotional.
I wrote you a poem.
It's about our month in Sicily.
Can't you forget it?
"We strolled on cliffs of stone like Greeks of ancient times.
"Your hair blew this way and that...
"mixed with bits of sand.
"Our eyes met, and then looked out...
"toward the sea, the blue Aegean."
What are you doing here?
You're thinking pushy. Right?
I'm reading a poem.
I'm sorry. I came to get you.
- What are you doing here? - I want you to come with me.
Who are you?
Danny Rose, theatrical management.
Might I just get five minutes with the young lady alone?
I'm dying to come to the Waldorf.
It's just that I've been hurt.
So this is who's been sending the single white roses.
Danny Rose.
How do you know about the white roses?
I know more about you than you think I know.
Might I interject something...
You know because you spy on me.
It's not spying when you care about someone...
how they live, what's happening to them.
You check my mailbox in my apartment...
when I'm not there. Admit it!
So you prefer him with his white roses...
to me and all we were to each other?
I prefer someone that respects me and doesn't spy.
Are you going with him?
Can I get one...
What are you doing with money?
You see what they're doing?
I've been tearing money since my first Holy Communion.
See? Ten dollars.
I don't care. Here. What does it mean?
Twenty.
Here's twenty, forty.
They're crazy.
What does it mean? It means nothing.
Why don't you stop it?
Mere fascination, that's all.
I want to see Lou, but he treats me lousy.
Lou's crazy about you. Tonight's a big shot for him.
Will all due respect for Lou, he's not a kid.
He's trying to make a comeback.
When he sings "That's Amore," that's the end for me.
Is it unbelievable what he does with that song?
Isn't that fantastic?
I'm going to hit you with one word...
just one word... Sorrento.
Sorrento? Am I lying?
I like it when he takes the microphone off the stand...
and sort of throws the microphone...
from hand to hand.
That's my gesture. I gave him that.
Years ago he took the microphone off the stand.
But he didn't throw it from hand to hand.
I used to do that in nightclub acts.
So you taught him to throw the microphone...
from hand to hand.
I taught him everything he knows.
I gave him his gestures. I handle his budget.
I pick his clothes, his songs.
And you manage his love life.
Look, my father, may he rest in peace, said,
"In business, friendly but not familiar."
This is personal management I'm in.
The key word is personal. So I got to get involved.
Like Herbie Jayson, my bird act. A cat ate the lead bird.
I got to leap right into the breach.
Or my Puerto Rican ventriloquist.
The kid's got everything you need to make it big.
He's a dope addict. I got to get in there and help.
What can I say?
I'm the wrong guy to be the beard...
because who would believe that such a beautiful girl...
- would date me? - Come on.
I'm telling the truth, my hand to God.
No, sweetheart, I'm telling you...
and I see a lot of singers and actresses.
You're not so terrible.
I know one thing, honey.
I'm never going to be Cary Grant.
I don't care what anybody says. Can I get a sip of that?
Can I tell you a secret?
I'm not just trying to make you feel good.
Handsome men never did anything for me.
You know what turns me on? Intellectual.
I'm not just saying this to make you feel good or anything.
You're a smooth talker.
Angelina once even predicted I would marry a Jew.
Did she say which Jew?
A Jew or someone musical.
Listen, sweetheart, now that we're talking about music...
could you go call Lou?
'Cause the guy needs you.
Give him a call, 'cause it's late. We'll get outta here.
Please, darling.
No, Lou. It's not that I hate you.
It's just you get me angry sometimes.
I'm going to... I was always going to be there.
I'll be there.
Will you listen to me? I'm coming.
It's just that sometimes you get me crazy.
Oh, my God. Look!
She betrayed me with him.
Danny Rose.
Oh, my God!
He drank iodine.
He seduced her away from me.
Were you seeing Tina while she was seeing Johnny?
Would I do that?
Then who sent the white roses, one every day?
Johnny, what happened?
What happened? Tell Mommy.
My son is sensitive. He's a poet.
He's fantastic. How old are you, Johnny?
- He's forty. - Unbelievable.
Are you an Aries?
Johnny's been made a fool out of.
They force him to wear the horns!
We were engaged until he put a spell on her.
This man's a beautiful man.
He's a fantastic individual.
Vendetta!
Boy, that guy Johnny must have been crazy about you.
I don't know. I like to flirt.
Sometimes people take it too seriously.
Johnny's all right. He was really nice to me...
when my marriage fell apart.
And what did your husband do?
A little bookmaking, loan sharking...
extortion... like that.
A professional man.
What'd you do, you divorced him or got a separation or what?
Some guy shot him in the eyes.
- Really? He's blind? - Dead.
Dead. Of course, 'cause the bullets go through.
Oh, my God. You poor thing.
You must have been in shock.
He had it coming.
I see. It was a close marriage.
It was exciting for a while.
You never knew what would happen next.
That kind of excitement I can live without.
He was tough, good-Iookin'...
What did he tell you he did?
A juice man for the mob.
He made juice for the mob?
Juice man. He collected for the loan sharks.
So now Danny's driving along with Tina.
They're talking. What they don't know...
is two minutes after they left the party...
there was this little scene with Johnny's brothers...
Joe and Vito, both hitmen for the mob.
Their mother is outraged and humiliated...
over what's been happening with Danny Rose...
who they call "Danny White Roses."
Don't worry, Mama. Just leave him to us.
Your brother is soft. He's sensitive.
Her husband had no respect for us, either.
He was no damn good. He cheated us.
And she's no better.
She said one thing to my face, then betrayed me.
The lover's got her under his spell, Johnny.
- We'll fix him. - We'll chop his legs off.
We'll kill him. I don't trust him.
But not Tina. Please, not Tina.
Get rid of the lover, and you get her back.
He's got the evil eye.
Figlio mio e malocchio. You understand?
Mama, he's a dead man.
I'll just have an iced coffee.
I'll have milk. Large glass, sweetheart.
I got an ulcer. I shouldn't have drank at the party.
My ex-husband had an ulcer.
They say it's stress, an entire mental syndrome.
Carmine was always afraid they would shoot him in the back.
He was wrong, so...
Who else you handle besides Lou?
Me? I got various interesting artists.
I got a very wonderful, blind xylophone player.
I'm currently working with a parrot...
that sings "I Gotta Be Me."
And I got some very nice balloon folders.
It's interesting.
No big shots, right?
I've discovered certain artists...
that have gone on to better things.
But they all leave you, right? How come?
I got a theory about that.
I think they get a swelled head.
People like to forget their beginnings...
and they just split.
You must be doing something wrong...
if everybody leaves you.
What am I doing wrong? I find 'em. I discover 'em.
I breathe life into them, and then they go.
They don't feel guilty. They just split.
Guilty? What the hell is that?
They see something better...
and they grab it. Who's got time for guilt?
It's important to feel guilty.
Otherwise, you're capable of terrible things.
It's very important to be guilty.
I'm guilty all the time, and I never did anything.
My rabbi used to say we're all guilty in the eyes of God.
You believe in God?
No, but I'm guilty over it.
I never feel guilty.
You got to do what you got to do.
Life's short.
You don't get any medals for being a Boy Scout.
Do me a favor. Don't give this information to Lou...
because I got enough problems.
Danny, don't move. Let's get up slowly...
and get out of here... out the back door.
I don't understand. What's out there?
Johnny's brothers.
Johnny... you mean the guy with the iodine?
They're crazy, that whole family.
Because they think I'm your lover?
They'll tear the tongue out of your head.
I'm just a beard.
They'll tear the tongue out of the beard?
Throw some money down. Let's get out of here.
I only got ten bucks.
Leave it. Come on, will ya?
We're going to leave an eight and a half dollar tip.
There ought to be a delivery entrance out here somewhere.
Eight and a half bucks. For that kinda dough...
I could get the waitress to sleep with me.
Where's the... there it is.
Don't get up, fellas.
Keep turning out the junk food.
Come on, this way.
I don't like this.
Darling, may I interject one statement?
I don't like what's going on.
Christ.
Better go down there.
What the hell did you get me into?
Do what I'm telling you...
or you'll wind up on a meat hook.
A meat hook? I'll go first.
- I'm angry, Tina. - Come on!
I'm telling ya, I'm angry! I'm really fuming.
Just feel free to dig your heel into my groin like that.
Just...
So Danny and Tina, they run.
What's he going to do?
Now, he's not only scared.
The man is pissed off.
Sure, because he didn't do anything.
You got it. Wait. Cut to a half-hour later.
Now they're lost, and he's furious.
He's getting on her nerves.
She's getting on his nerves.
Jesus, where the hell are we?
All right! Take it easy.
Don't tell me to take it easy...
because I've had enough already today.
I'm a personal manager. I got a big night ahead.
Meanwhile I'm wandering around in North Vietnam.
We got away, didn't we?
I've got nothing to get away from.
I didn't do anything.
I got more running all of a sudden...
with fortune tellers and meat hooks and...
I'll take care of it when we get a phone.
A phone? We're in a swamp.
Where is there going to be a phone here?
She shacks up with Lou, and they wanna break my legs.
I don't have to go tonight.
That's fine with me. Then don't...
because I'm too scared around you anyhow.
Lou, honey, don't drink like that.
You've got an important show tonight.
I got a cold sore.
Look at this thing over here.
Oh, it's nothing.
It's got to be tonight.
And those Vegas people, they notice everything.
They're pros. They got it down to a science.
Turn on the ball game.
I can't decide to go with "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"...
or "Three Coins in the Fountain" as an encore. I don't know.
The kids are driving me nuts over here.
Gimme a break over here.
I wonder where Danny is. I'm waiting for his call.
Where is Danny?
Went to pick up his date in Jersey.
I guess he got tied up in traffic.
Who's his date?
How do I know? Some broad.
Jesus, we're in the middle of nowhere.
I never saw so many reeds in my life.
I feel like Moses.
Lou's probably worried sick.
Darling, Lou's probably drinking...
out of the promotional-size whiskey bottle.
I know where we are.
These are the flatlands.
My husband's friends dump bodies here.
I'm sure you can show me the points of cultural interest.
Hey, who are you?
Who are you?
We're lost.
We're shooting a commercial down by the river.
Fantastic! Unbelievable!
What a break!
I'm Danny Rose, theatrical management.
- God bless you. This is Tina... - Vitale.
I'm Ray Webb, the actor.
Listen, we got to get a car.
There are no cars here until tonight.
It's an emergency.
I've got to see Berle at the Waldorf.
Yeah? Your best bet... there's a guy with a boat.
Give him a few bucks. He'll take you across.
- Great. - I don't travel by water.
It's against my religion.
I'm a land-Iocked people.
Tina, you ever seen me on television?
I play the shaving-cream man from outer space.
Come on, Danny.
We've got to take this boat. Lou's waiting. Come on.
Five minutes to cross the Hudson.
You want me to go on the Hudson River? That's crazy.
How did you get here without a car?
What about that?
I been through thick and thin with that car...
now I gotta leave it at the diner overnight?
If anything happens to that car, I'll be furious, Tina.
Now they're gonna go back to Manhattan by boat.
A boat, mind you.
Can you picture Danny Rose on a boat?
I mean, this guy is strictly pavement.
He needs the smell of carbon monoxide and litter...
to feel good.
Danny is not meant for water.
So naturally, the minute he steps on the boat...
he's gone.
A lunch he ate in 1956...
is beginning to come up on him.
He's green. He's dizzy.
Tina's fine. She's made of steel.
I'll tell you what's going through her mind.
She's thinking of the conversation...
that she and Lou had a week before.
All right!
Lou, I don't want you to break up...
with your wife because of me.
Tina, it's not you. This has been on my mind.
But I'd feel like a home wrecker.
I got to change my whole lifestyle.
The thing you gotta change is your manager.
That's what you gotta change.
Listen, Danny's all right.
He's no world beater, but he's all right.
I don't know anything about show business...
and I got nothing against the guy.
But I see the joints you work and the way things are going.
You're better than all these new guys.
You're prejudiced 'cause you like me.
Danny would be lost without me. He's counting on me.
Let me introduce you to Sid Bacharach.
How do you know Sid Bacharach?
Why would he give me five minutes of his time?
He was good friends with my husband.
They were very tight in Atlantic City.
- Sid Bacharach? - He's a big guy, right?
Big gun. No two ways about it.
Now they're in the middle of the Hudson River.
The fog has come in.
Danny's face is... what color should I say?
It's khaki. The man has a khaki face.
So what are you saying? Tina wanted Lou to leave Danny?
That's exactly what I'm saying. Three days earlier...
Tina had set up a secret lunch meeting...
at some steak joint in Manhattan.
Well, guys, we finally made it.
Lou Canova, Sid Bacharach. Sid, this is Lou.
Pleasure, Mr. Bacharach.
I've heard wonderful things about you from my girl.
You remember Lou from the fifties.
I remember "Tossin' and Turnin'."
That thing on Perfidia, too.
I understand you already have representation.
Yeah, I do.
He's loyal to a guy who means well...
but he can't seem to move him.
I know all about those things.
Sometimes it just doesn't work out...
and he can't help you.
It's my career. It's my life.
I really want to catch your act.
The nostalgia thing is really coming on strong.
He's hot now.
I'll be at the Waldorf on the twenty-fifth.
It would be great if you could come, Sid.
All he needs is somebody with a little clout...
to open some doors.
I'll do my best to make it on Sunday night.
Don't worry about it. I'll get you in the back.
You won't regret it.
So Tina's thinking about all this stuff...
while they're sailing back across the Hudson.
Meanwhile, the two crazy brothers are in New York...
Iooking to kill Danny.
I don't get it.
Wasn't Tina going to have them called off?
She did, the minute they got ashore.
But it didn't work.
So what's happening?
You have to lay low for a while.
What do you mean?
You got any friends out of town?
Out of town? Where? Are you nuts?
You'd better check into a hotel.
You said you were going to settle this with one phone call.
It will be, but it'll take a few days.
Meanwhile, they're looking for you.
Darling, can I say one thing? I'm going to the police.
That's a mistake. You got to lay low.
What are you talking about? I didn't do anything!
My whole life I never got involved in any trouble.
I ate the right foods. Now I gotta lay low?
Jesus, you said one phone call.
It's gonna be taken care of. I got someone onto it.
My advice is to check into a hotel.
I got an apartment. Why do I need a hotel?
You can't go back there for a few days.
I'm gonna spend for a hotel with an apartment? Are you nuts?
It's a mix-up. Just don't go home.
I've got to go home. You're bad news, honey.
I knew that when I came in...
and you were starting with the ice pick.
Nice girls don't screw around with ice picks.
They got ribbons!
Just don't go home.
I gotta go home and get my pills...
and my shorts, and Lou, the poor guy...
he's probably a wreck!
I'm not drunk. I'm OK.
I'm going to be all right.
Where you been? I'm going crazy.
Where's Tina?
Lou, take some black coffee and get over to the Waldorf.
She's here. Will you speak to him?
'Cause he's lost. He's gone already.
Lou, I'll be there.
Just do what Danny says.
Of course I miss you, but will you lay off the sauce?
He's drunk. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I knew this would happen.
Where are my pills?
I need a valium the size of a hockey puck.
Who is this here?
That's Frank, Tony Bennett, and me.
This was a big night.
See the little smudge? That's my head.
There I am with Miss Judy Garland.
Never a dearer woman existed.
Where are you?
I'm right outside the frame.
If the picture went another inch, I was behind the dais.
Then here's Mr. Myron Coen.
Jesus, where is my bottle of pills?
How long have you had this joint?
What do you mean joint?
This is rent controlled. This is fine.
You ought to fix it up. You're living like a loser.
Nobody ever comes over, so what do I care?
Nobody comes over? You ever been married?
I was engaged to a dancer...
but she ran away with a piano player...
and I broke off with her.
You know what I'd do with this room?
- What? - Liven it up.
Do it all in something up, pink maybe.
- Pink? - You got to lighten it up.
Pink with maybe some gold wallpaper.
Then, you need fabric, big purple pillows.
Maybe some incense.
What is this, a Turkish whorehouse?
I live here, darling.
I'm serious. You gotta lighten it up.
Maybe some bamboo furniture.
I always wanted to do a room in bamboo with zebra skins.
Really? You're serious?
Why not? It's exciting.
You're talking about a tropical motif?
It's funny because actually I like bamboo.
Really?
Picture hanging plants maybe, and a really nice tile floor.
Bamboo furniture is very beautiful and very dramatic.
You got an eye for drama.
Really? You really think so?
I do. Yeah. You sound surprised.
Nobody ever liked my African jungle idea before.
It's great.
You're the first person ever liked it.
I'm willing to bet that you're full of good ideas...
but you don't have any confidence.
My big problem as a decorator...
I got no confidence.
It's like the acts I handle. If I was handling you...
I could straighten you out in no time.
I don't see you just decorating little joints...
in little apartments in the suburbs.
I see you doing your gold walls and your Turkish pillows...
and your... all that garbage in hotels and embassies.
Really?
You could, I can smell it.
The boat sailed for me.
I shoulda been more serious when I was younger.
Younger? You got your whole life ahead of you.
I look at my work, and I think it's ugly.
My Uncle Morris, a famous diabetic from Brooklyn...
used to say, "If you hate yourself...
then you hate your work."
I sleep at night. It's you that's got the ulcer.
Yeah, but it may be a good thing.
You know what my philosophy of life is?
It's important to have some laughs...
but you got to suffer a little, too...
because otherwise you miss the whole point of life.
Know what my philosophy of life is?
Oh, I can imagine.
It's over quick, so have a good time.
You see what you want, go for it.
Don't pay any attention to anybody else...
and do it to the other guy first...
'cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.
This is a philosophy of life?
This sounds like the screenplay to Murder Incorporated.
Hold this a second. That's ridiculous.
No wonder you don't like yourself.
Stop saying that. I like myself fine.
I'm just saying down deep I sense that you don't.
You're the one that's living like a loser.
Why, because I haven't made it?
You see, that's the beauty of this business.
Overnight, you can go from a bum to a hero.
I think it's gonna happen now with Lou.
We'd better get goin'. Hurry up.
Just let me say one thing. My Uncle Sidney...
lovely uncle. Dead. Completely... used to say three things.
He used to say, "Acceptance, forgiveness, and love."
And that is a philosophy of life.
Acceptance, forgiveness, and love.
So there's where it is.
So tell me more about the bamboo room. I love it.
I'm gonna stay one night...
'cause I don't wanna incur expense.
Listen, I'm going to make a phone call.
I got another idea.
How much is a single room?
Sorry, all filled up.
Tina, darling.
Come on. Get in the car.
Come on.
Fellas... fellas, may... may I just interject one thing...
at this particular point in time?
Keep going straight.
Look, I like Johnny. I like your brother.
I got nothin' against him. I just met him today.
I liked his poem.
What's under discussion here is the girl's feelings.
Incidentally, where is the girl?
We're gonna take real good care of you, pal.
I want to say one thing...
and I don't mean to be didactic or facetious in any manner.
She doesn't love him. She doesn't love him anymore.
I know it's hard to take...
because we all want what we can't have in life.
It's an actual thing. Take my cousin, Ceil.
Not pretty like Tina at all.
She looked like something in the reptile house in the zoo.
So... you'll like this story... she meets this accountant...
Will you shut up!
No. Wait. Wait. No. Listen, you misunderstand me.
God damn you!
Fellas, fellas, I'm a veteran. I'm a veteran.
- Get the ax. - There's an ax?
Fellas, I'm the beard.
I'm just the beard. You don't understand.
He's telling the truth. He has nothing to do with this.
You don't believe me, right?
We're going to chop your legs off.
Fellas, I'm only the beard.
Would I waste my time with a guy like this?
OK, then who?
You want him to walk outta here, give us a name.
- I'm not talking. - You tell us, you punk.
You don't want me to rat on a friend.
Let me quote Rabbi Hershel, an extremely learned man...
Who are you bearding for?
I'm not the guy. Isn't that enough?
Whatever happens to him, you two are dead men.
Oh, yeah? Come on, tell us.
Who are you bearding for, you little cheese-eater?
Cheese-eater. I don't know exactly what it means...
but I know it's not good.
Who are you bearding for?
I'll put a bullet right between her eyes!
Don't do that! I'll talk.
Danny, don't! They'll kill him!
I don't want to get my legs chopped off...
'cause I do a guy a favor.
Come on, let's go. Who is it?
All right, you want to know who it is?
Should I tell you who it is? Should I say?
It's Barney Dunn.
Who's Barney Dunn?
- Come on, who is it? - Danny, you rat!
Listen, I don't owe you anything over this.
Fellas, I swear on my life, it's Barney Dunn.
And... and Barney, may God forgive me.
- Who? - Barney Dunn.
- I remember Barney Dunn. - You know Barney Dunn.
I can't hear you.
Barney Dunn was the world's worst ventriloquist.
If they couldn't get an animal act...
they would call Barney Dunn.
Barney would work children's parties.
Five-year-old kids would boo him.
Two weeks ago, Danny, who doesn't handle Barney...
That'll tell you something about Barney's act.
Danny didn't want to handle him.
Danny meets Barney on the street.
- Hey, how are you doing, Barney? - Hi there, Danny.
I'm leaving on a c-c-cruise tomorrow.
Oh, you're kidding. Where for?
I'm working this ship to the Bahamas.
Oh, fantastic! Then back here?
No, and here's the b-b-beauty part...
from the Bahamas to Puerto Rico for three weeks.
Oh, fantastic. Who's your friend?
- So Danny names Barney Dunn. - But can't they check that?
They do check it.
They tie up Danny and Tina, and they go to check it.
What am I doing here? How did I get into this?
Why me? What did I do to deserve this that I'm here now?
You were really quick on your feet...
to come up with that name so fast.
Oh, great. That's wonderful.
Let me tell you something, darling. I was traumatized.
My body went into shock when they stuck that gun on you.
All I thought was, they're going to kill us.
I'm going to be dead...
and Milton is coming to the Waldorf soon.
Listen, Danny, they're going to be back in a minute.
- We got to do something. - What? I can't move a finger.
I'm tied up here like a pig.
If we could just get out of these ropes.
- I can't. - There's one guy out there.
There's two of us against him.
Yeah, but let me remind you... he's got an ax.
The man has an ax. So there's two of us.
- There'll be four of us. - Maybe we could sneak away.
No. You know what I'm thinking, though?
I used to handle...
I used to handle an escape artist named Shandar...
who could get out of ropes.
But the problem is, you got to be standing up to...
Even then, I'm not sure we could do it.
Let me ask you something. Do you think it's possible...
that we could work our way off this table?
I can hardly move.
Try with me. I'm serious.
Try a little bit. Come on, give it a try.
- You're so heavy. - All right, just try.
Just do what I'm telling you.
Come on. Come on! It'll happen.
Move. Move. OK?
- You all right? - Yeah.
Come on. Try and pull. That's it.
See? It's not so tough. Very good.
That's it. Try and slide down.
That's it. That's it. Very good.
Slowly. That's it, slowly.
That's it. Come on. Now pull.
Come on. Hard. That's it. That's it.
A little more. I think we've got it.
That a girl! That's right. OK.
- You got it? - Yeah.
All right, all right. Very good. Now...
I'm out of breath. All right now, here's what Shandar...
When Shandar was like this...
what he would do is, he would wriggle.
- Wriggle? - Yeah. He would wriggle...
and what happens is, the ropes gradually...
start to get some play in them, they start to get loose.
Take my word for it. He would wriggle. Yeah.
- You sure? - Yeah, so... You ready?
Ready? All right now. Now start to wriggle.
That's right. Wriggle.
See what I mean? That's a girl.
Just wriggle. That's it.
I'm wriggling.
Keep wriggling. That's very important.
- You wriggling? - Uh-huh.
That's... that's good wriggling.
- I don't want to over-wriggle. - No, but it's nice wriggling.
That's it. The ropes are starting to get loose.
Come on, it's happening.
My hand's getting free.
Keep wriggling. Don't stop now.
Ooh! I got it! I got it!
- Yeah? - Yeah. Hold on!
I got it! I got it!
Yes? Oh, great!
Come on. Get this thing off. Come on, keep wriggling.
Keep wriggling, darling. Don't...
- Oh, great! - I told you.
That's what Shandar did. He would wriggle...
and then you get the whole thing to happen.
I saw it a million times.
Hey, hey, hold it!
Let's go. Where the hell are we?
What is this?
This looks like some kind of a factory or something.
Looks like a warehouse.
You hear him? I think he's right behind us.
Let's get out of here.
- It's so dark. - All right. Don't panic.
Looks like a lot of parade floats and stuff.
Perfect. There's a guy with a pistol running after us...
we're stuck in the middle of the Macy's Day Parade.
What's going on here? Where the hell are we?
Jesus!
Don't move, or I'll blow your goddamn brains out!
Don't shoot! I'm just the beard, really.
You're making a mistake. He's just the beard!
Don't tell me you're the beard, you goddamn little rat, you.
Run, Tina, run! He's out of bullets!
This is our chance! He's out of bullets!
All right, all right. I'm coming!
You little rat. You're never going to get out of here.
I'll find you.
I don't believe this! He's drunk!
I got a show in a half hour!
I got a packed house, Danny! He's drunk!
Don't panic. I'll deal with him.
Relax, will you? I can talk to him.
Lou. Lou. Is Milton here yet?
Yes. He came with Howard Cosell.
Jesus. All right, relax, everybody.
This is Lou's wife Teresa.
That's Tina Musante.
- Vitale. - Danny, we got to do something.
He's got to go on in 20 minutes. I got a full house out there.
- OK. Lou. Lou. - Something's gotta happen.
Say the three S's, Lou. Lou, please.
You got to pull yourself together.
Listen to me. You're gonna do a great show.
Is he going to be OK?
Danny will get him sober. He's done it before.
Come on, Lou. I need two aspirin, some tomato juice...
and some worcestershire sauce...
and some goat cheese and some chicken fat.
- That's gonna do it? - That's the Danny Rose formula.
I still can't figure out how it works.
I promise you're going to be OK tonight, my hand to God.
One day, you will hold, my cara mia
A child of your own, and I pray
Bambina, remember the story
Your mama, my mama would say
Keep Italian in your heart
Let it always be a part
Of you
Never let it fade away
Be a part of every day
Let it stay in your heart forever
Keep Italian in your heart
Let it always be a part
Of you
Never let it fade away
Be a part of every day
Let it stay in your heart forever
My bambina
My cara mia
My bambina
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Love ya.
This is what you get when you eat too much.
Una two.
Agita
My gumba in the banzone
When I eat, he gets a treat
Like a canzone
He enjoys every meal
Every bite that I steal
Agita, my gumba in the banzone
Some people like-a their pizza, some people like-a suffrite
And others like hot pepper on everything they eat
You hunger with a vuole to taste some baccala
Then all at once you think, "Will I answer to gumba?"
My lovely, lovely woman, I hate to see her cry
But when I start to mangia, I get the evil eye
My vuole's getting stronger
Ah, the hell with my gumba
Lou, you were wonderfully superb.
- Chicago is my favorite. - I know my fans.
- You were terrific. - You were worried.
I wasn't worried at all. You were fabulous.
Thank you for coming. I don't forget my friends.
George, you don't miss an act, huh?
How you doing, hon? You holding up all right?
Phil and Diane are going to give me a lift home.
I'm so tired.
And I have to take care of the sitter, too.
I appreciate it...
because I got to do some serious things with Danny.
I got to talk to him. Milton, the cigar man, you know?
I'll be home in about two, three hours.
OK, Danny, make sure he gets home early.
- Thanks for coming! - Hey, Lou!
Benny. All right!
Have I got a story for you. Lou, when I tell you...
what this woman and I have been through today...
really, when you find out what you put me through today...
unbelievable.
Danny, I got to speak to you, and I got to do it now...
while I'm still a little high.
Lou, I can't sleep home tonight, OK?
I got to get this off my chest.
It's only right that Tina be here, because she's part of it.
What?
Well, come next week, I feel some changes gotta be made.
Yeah? Like what?
Like, Tina and I, you know, we're crazy about each other...
and I feel I got to say something to Terry about it.
Well, you know, if that's what you guys decide on...
that's what you wanna do, you know...
you got to do what you got to do.
I just hope that you know what you're doing.
We're sure about a lotta things.
Tina and I have been doin' a lot of discussing.
I feel for myself that I got to make a few changes.
- Like what kind of changes? - Like management.
What do you mean, management? What do you mean, management?
Tina's really close to Sid Bacharach.
You had to notice him there tonight.
He was there to see me.
I don't understand. What do... You want to change management?
Don't think it's not hard for me to say...
but I got to do what's right for my career.
What do you mean? Am I hear...
I can't believe you're saying this.
Danny, Sid can really move me.
I mean, we've got this special rapport.
How do you know Sid?
Have you been pushing him to leave me?
Hey, leave me out of this.
All I know is he's a big talent, and he's playing joints.
Joints? What do you mean? He was lucky he could get...
When I met him, he was still singing Finiculi, Finicula.
Look, Danny, facts are facts.
What are you talking about, facts are facts?
You know, this kid owes me his life.
Will you leave her out of this? What's done is done.
I don't understand you. We've been through so much together.
You make everything into a personal situation.
Of course I make it personal.
That's the point. That's our relationship.
You can't put into a contract what I do with you.
Look, all right, can I give you...
May I give you... my Uncle Meir...
Say something, will you?
This is business between the two of you.
You got to do what you got to do...
and Danny's gotta understand it. He's a big boy.
What are you talking about?
If anything comes out of this, you'll be in for a taste.
Danny, where are you going? Danny?
Hey, how you doing, Danny? You hear about Barney Dunn?
A couple of guys done a pretty good job on him.
They beat him up pretty badly.
I thought he was on a cruise.
Nah, nah. That was canceled. He's in the hospital now.
It was pretty rough for a while. It was touch and go.
But it's all right now. The cops got 'em.
They got the guys that done the job on him.
- Which hospital? - Roosevelt.
How you doing, Barney?
W-w-what are you doing here?
Well, I heard that you got beat up, so...
I s-s-still don't know what happened.
I want you to know, if there's anything I can do...
anything at all, you know what I mean?
Hospital bills, anything at all... I'll take care of it.
You want to pay my hospital bills?
Danny, are you sure you're OK?
Really, Barney, anything at all. Whatever you need.
I thought this was a funny story. It's terrible!
So what do you want me to do? It's not my life.
So Lou leaves his wife and kids, and he moves in with Tina.
Sid Bacharach's handling him. He's doing all right.
You may possess the world and all of its gold
Oh, gold won't bring you
Happiness
When you're growing old
Oh, the world
It's still the same...
You OK? You seem a little down.
No. I have a headache.
What are you giving me? I ordered a courvoisier.
Gee, I'm awfully sorry. Didn't you order a Jack Daniels?
I know what I ordered. I ordered a courvoisier.
You did say courvoisier.
Let's not make a federal case out of it.
Loves you
Go find yourself that body...
Honey, what are you doing up?
I can't sleep.
You know, it's 4:00 in the morning.
Yeah, I know. I had a bad dream.
What is this, like a thing or something?
I mean, This is goin' on every other night.
Why don't you take a pill or something?
No, no. I don't like pills.
When I can't sleep, I take one of those Seconals.
- I got out like a baby. - I'm OK. I'm fine.
Listen, I got a great new idea. When I go to Atlantic City...
I'll open with "You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You"...
then I'm going to go right into "When You're Smiling."
Lou, will you give me a break? It's 4:00 in the morning.
You're not listening to me. This is important stuff.
Angelina, I can't sleep.
L... I feel jumpy.
I don't know. I'm not myself.
I see bad dreams...
deep dreams...
bad conscience.
A little while ago, I met some man.
I hardly spent any time with him.
One day, we had an adventure.
Yes. He makes you feel uneasy.
I did him some little wrong, you know?
Just some small business matter.
I didn't even know him very well.
Then, you know, when I had the chance to say something...
I didn't speak up.
I have a vision of you...
standing before a large mirror.
I had that dream last week.
That was it... exactly my dream.
What is it you're seeking there?
I don't know.
I want to rest easy again.
I want to find myself.
I want to wipe out my thoughts and forget this guy.
I can't see clearly.
It's unclear.
It's all unclear.
What's the matter with you lately?
I mean, you're always so edgy.
I don't want to go to California, OK?
It gives me the creeps out there.
It's important you go to California.
Well, then you go.
I mean, what is it with you? I mean lately.
Everything's going so nicely.
My comeback's in full swing now...
but, no, you weren't happy in Vegas.
You weren't happy in Atlantic City.
You complain all the time. I thought you'd be happy.
I'm moody. You knew I was moody when you met me.
I've had it with the moods.
I mean, I gotta go to California. That's it.
Now what's the matter?
I don't know.
Lou moves to L.A. Tina doesn't.
It's all over between them.
- Guess who calls her for a date? - I have no idea.
Remember the shaving-cream man from outer space?
The guy she met with Danny when they were lost in the reeds?
That's right. Well, they start going out...
but she's just as moody with him.
- Naturally. - They fight. They argue.
Then one morning, Thanksgiving morning...
the two of them are on Central Park West.
There's the parade.
- Now what's wrong? - I don't know.
Jesus, Tina, what's wrong with you?
Look, maybe we should have a little heart to heart.
Everything makes you cry.
Maybe you should see a doctor. I don't know what to do.
- Excuse me. - Baby...
Tina, what are you trying to pull here?
I gotta see Angelina right away.
I'm sorry. Angelina's not here.
What time is she coming back? I need her advice.
Angelina's having Thanksgiving with her grandchildren...
and she won't be here until Monday.
This is important.
Well, I can't help it if it's important.
She won't be here until Monday. Please come Monday.
Hey, I got the frozen turkeys.
I can smell it.
- Here you go. - Thank you, Danny.
Give me a little room there.
God love you.
- Here's your frozen turkey. - Thank you, Danny.
Believe me, the frozen is just as g-g-good as real.
- Got it? - Uh-huh.
And the frozens are much cheaper than the real ones.
Can I help?
No, sit there. You'll fall over.
It really smells terrific.
Just dig in. Dig in. Don't hesitate.
Would you like a drink or something?
- Oh, I'd love it. - Yeah?
There's some tab over there, and there's some club soda.
Excuse me one second.
Yeah, sure. That's right.
It's the twins! It's the twins!
Yes, yes. Sure. Sure, darling, sure.
Yes. The new noses are good?
Yes. Sure.
L... I came to apologize.
Are you going to ask me in?
Let me call you back. Yeah.
No, I'll get back to you. Let me... I'll call you back.
I hope I'm not intruding.
I realize you hate me.
Danny, bring her in, will you? The food's gettin' cold.
Danny, who is your fr-fr-fr... guest?
Oh, it's nobody. It's nothing.
Was it your Uncle Sidney who said...
acceptance, forgiveness, and love?
Look, I've had a bad year.
You know, if things don't pick up for me...
I'm going to be selling storm windows soon.
I'd like to be friends.
I don't think that would be such a great idea.
This is the best Thanksgiving party we've had so far.
Here's your napkin, honey. You said you needed one.
This is absolutely the best Thanksgiving party.
Danny, this is marvelous.
Hey, Danny, wh is your fr-fr-fr... guest?
The cranberry sauce is dry.
You're eating the mashed potatoes.
Hey, what a spread.
Wait a second. I'll be right in.
Hey, Danny, thanks a lot for the invite.
Boy, Thanksgiving sure rolls around fast.
Well, that's my Danny Rose story.
- Unbelievable. Fantastic. - The man is a living legend.
Do you know that only six months ago...
they gave him the single greatest honor...
you can get in the Broadway area?
Look at the menu. At this very delicatessen...
they named a sandwich after him...
the Danny Rose Special.
Probably a cream cheese on a bagel with marinara sauce.
- Perfect. - He deserves it.
Did you ever go to one of his Thanksgiving parties?
- Once. - Anybody go? Did you go?
Yeah, yeah. Where they have the frozen turkey, right?
Economical, but a lotta of laughs.
Cranberry sauce made like a rock.
Oh, it was incredible.
Listen. Excuse me. Before we go any further...
may I ask you a favor?
- Sir? - Can we go home now?
- I'm tired. - What are you talking about?
I haven't see you in 110 years. Stay.
I have to go to Atlantic City tomorrow.
I'll get the check. I'll take care of it.
Really? Oh, national holiday.
With these kind of laughs, I figure it's worth it.
Well, we'll do it again tomorrow.
Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org